|By Vincent D'sa, Shankerpura, Pangala/Muscat [ Published Date: February 15, 2015 ]|
Marriage – A Small Spark Neglected. . . .
Rains and winter are over and marriage season is near. One of the well known catholic counselor priest in Mangalore voiced his concerns about performing the wedding mass when we were discussing about this topic because he is unsure how long that marriage is going to survive. The word marriage is no more represents a joyful event, instead causes a lot of stress! In one of my NLP training session I put this topic into debate and I would like to share some of the important things from the debate, it is not that we don’t know about this but these things do not get necessary importance in front of commercial aspects of the marriage.
Some of the basic important needs one has to consider before the marriage are explained below;
1. The foundation of a happy family is the stability of relation between husband and wife. And they stay together when there is strong physical attraction between them. Unlike any other relation the foundation of marriage is sex. All other issues should take back seat “temporarily” in front of this very important factor. So when you start to see a partner for you; the first thing is that you should feel attracted to the person you meet. If that joy is not coming out automatically that should be considered as the first warning bell. That is to say love at first sight applies to arranged marriages also. So never compromise on physical attractiveness of the person you suppose to marry. Do your self appraisals before you go to meet the person. Ask yourself “what is my physical attractive point toward opposite sex”? Is it beauty? Height? Long Hairs? Face? Way of walking? Talking? Voice? Color? Masculine body? Etc.Todays compromise may prove fatal when tomorrow you find a person with qualities you like. Unlike olden days we enjoy a lot of freedom with financial capabilities and easy communication; things will break down easily.
Consider any species in this world. At least one gender; male in some species and female in some other, have certain things physically, meant particularly to attract opposite sex.
Remember opposite qualities never attracts in marriage. It is a phrase we use to hide our mistakes. Only likes live together and happily in the institution of marriage because in marriage we deal with laws of physique not the Physics. If this care is taken initially, at least 25% of marital disasters may be prevented.
We, in India have many traditional boundaries. When we don’t get a right pair, we compromise and marry for the sake of marrying. For Eg-If we don’t find a right pair in our own religion, we don’t look outside of our religion obeying the ages old religious boundary.
2. Usually it is not advisable to return to a relation for which once we said no. It is because our sub conscious mind did noticed something other than usual things, those eyes may have failed to notice.. That is to say if the person get attracted/satisfied to the physique / personality; he/she will not say “no” to other things generally. So when we say no, our subconscious has noticed something which is not in line with our taste than our eyes observed, generally related to physique/attractiveness, to guide us says no. Listen to the conscious.
3. When this is over we need to look into one more very important aspect, communication. We need to put forward all our dreams, plans for the future incl family size, responsibility toward each others family, parents, profession etc. Generally when we like a person all these things take back seat and crop up later (after marriage). That should not happen. When I say this it is not the permanent blue print, there should be enough flexibility and maturity to adjust self, toward unexpected turn of events. Unlike olden days our home is a theater now a day displaying cruelty, disharmony and dirty family games every corner of the house on TV, mobile set etc.
What do you expect from your future partner? What does your future partner expect from you? Find out the answer .The answer to these questions can make or break your marriage. The difficulty with expectations is that they are often poorly defined or sometimes purposely hidden .In some other cases, completely unknown.
It is not only a proper and open communication that is important, we need to cross check whether the person you suppose to marry, understood the message you are conveying. Some pretend because they have decided somehow to marry the person sitting opposite; making adjustments beyond limits and fail to maintain later on. Any building that is built on false and improper foundation is going to collapse.
4. Medical check up before the marriage is an important factor neglected. It is not only for STDs, as I know many marriages are falling due to infertility and impotency among males. This may be done at personal level. The fact is that “male infertility” is an important factor for marital conflicts between couples now a day. Most of the times blame is passed on to female or it is hidden for many reasons.
Every couple who plans to get marry I request them to know modern inventions/facilities available for reproduction, safe birth control methods etc before they enter into marital life. Because I have seen in my own circle, being educated, are not comfortable with certain things. If you have enough knowledge from the beginning you may settle down with ideas and may confront it with right way if the situation arises later.
One of my fellow student of NLP in Gwaliar, Madhya Pradesh (female) says on an average she is witnessing 10% of the cases related to marital disharmony is related to male impotency at young age. The females come for counseling; approach her giving different reason altogether initially and slowly open up the actual problem. A request to parents, don’t force your kids to marry, you may convince but if the resistance is huge don’t pressurize because you don’t know the reason for such strong resistance to get marry. May be it is because they are sexually deviated which we don’t know and many other reasons.If I can advice young couples, kindly do not postpone of having the first baby too long.
Any amount of care is less in maintaining good health. Personally I went through a horrifying experience for not my mistake (not in marriage). I witnessed a few innocent people died of AIDS (gifted from the partner). I know a person contacted AIDS through blood transfusion after a fatal accident .Many people are afraid to do medical tests for the fear. But they are ready to marry and put someone’s life into risk! Just imagine a situation, our partner gifting us a dreadful disease; knowingly or unknowingly. If you don’t have health problems you will get a clean report and if you are carrying something, prevents you from killing someone innocent. I request every person who is planning to marry talk to the partner and under go a medical test at the personal level.
5. Modern world, lot of dreams, desires about ones partner. One of them is fit physique Remain fit physically. Our body is a temple, preserve it that way. It is not only body, don’t lose or give up anything that brought your partner to you. We have a tendency of neglecting self once marriage is over, dressing as well as physique. This is the big mistake we do. Body and clothing has an important role in the marriage and post marriage; don’t neglect it. As I said above the main vital stability aspect of the marriage is “The attraction between the couple”, where the body plays an important role, so preserve it that way.
Remember our clothing does speak a lot. If you know how to dress at social gatherings, office work or at home in front of other family members, you should also know how to dress in your private room, in front of your spouse or whenever only both of you are together. Remember your clothes do communicate.
If the issue of physical fitness and appearance is taken care, we can prevent another 15% -20% marriages being collapsing!!
6. Kindly note that every relation has two very important aspects. Marriage is also not excluded from it.
RELATION = RESPONCIBILTY + RIGHTS (R =R +R)
To balance the act, both these factors have to weigh equally. We can’t expect and enjoy one part only, neglecting the other. Then the imbalance will take place resulting in sinking the ship. So don’t enjoy rights only, forgetting responsibility.
One more “R” may be added to the equation. That is the role of “Recreation”. It may be any type of relation; every relation is bound to hit turbulence one day. We should know how to bounce back from such downs and cruise normally again.
7. Enjoy married life the way we watch films. When we watch and enjoy the main leads dancing talking fighting we feel happy. This is what we need to practice and do with our partner. There is nothing shying or vulgarity in the marriage. In one of my training programme one of the participants asked how to do it. Unlike other relation, no one can help us; we need to learn and do it ourselves. I have two close friends; one says “I love you” whenever he ends a conversation with his wife. The other when I called him one day he said he was dancing in the bedroom with his wife. Theirs is the happiest married life in my friend circle.
Win that crucial discomfort of few seconds or shyness or anything that you see as a barrier in communicating with your partner; Life is beautiful beyond it.
8. Never ever allow vacuum to enter between the two. Law of nature says there is no absolute vacuum. When you allow that, “something” or “someone” enters and fill the vacuum. Human tendency is to be happy. When you don’t give the happiness, someone else will and that is the end of it. It is a common tendency to blame males for this. I would have agreed if hundred males are behind a single female. This is not the case. There are hundred females with hundred males; all are matured enough to understand what they are doing. From where these females come from if males are only to be blamed? Both male and female are equally should share the responsibility for this to happen. When distance become absolutely necessary take preventive measures and plan something that you two come together quite often.
We fail to “play” in the marriage (relationship) once the wedding bells rings and when we do this we allow pressure to build up. Persons those marry by loving someone also once the wedding bells rings, start feeling the pressure. The question is pressure of what? Why we stop playing each other and act differently, mechanically? This eliminates the original attraction for which they fall in love! Result is guaranteed troubles. May be this pressure is because once we are officially bonded we are ruled by rules and regulations and difficult to escape.
9. There can be only two persons in the marriage. The moment third person enters in any form including parents that is the time your marriage goes wrong. Here the communication plays an important role. If you need any third person then they should be qualified psychiatrist doctor or a counselor; not any other person. Better avoid the persons who are not married to seek help in marital issues. To avoid this situation coming we should not make adjustments which cannot be maintained. Know your limits.Don't look for temporary gains to marry someone. In such case you may win the situation temporarily but lose the race permanently.
10. Whatever we focus is going to grow. Because that is what we nourish in our thoughts every moment. If we look at negativity only that will grow bigger and bigger and the institution collapses. We have seen in many counseling settings those come with a problem always try to hide the actual problem for many reasons including the shyness to open up. So we do not go by what they say; but by the evidence, what is cooking inside actually. If you want a realistic solution we need to be truthful. We always focus on one main aspect during marital counseling, the level of physical attraction between the couple. If that is absent and can’t be rebuilt, better we exit from the marital institution. This is where the love marriage scores better over an arranged marriage since it is built on strong physical attraction.
11. Let us talk about one important thing, the commercialization of marriage. We use marriage to show our spending capacity, false prestige and social standing. Hardly there are any emotions. To understand this clearly, kindly compare a one / two decade old marriage with present trend. Even in today’s educated world many marriages occur under heavy confusion due to various reasons. Many couples don’t know how they got married to each other because they see only commercial aspects like job, salary, money, status etc which may be earned neglecting things those comes naturally and cant be earned.. For some reason the courage they show later on if they had shown in the beginning many marital disasters could have been avoided. We witness marriages not lasting for months even.
If we clearly examine, the word “adjustment”; it is too dangerous in the present scenario. It implies something against natural matching and artificial is not going to last long. Adjustments should be a small part and larger portion should be given to natural matching of each others qualities and interests. If one can’t fall in line naturally it is difficult to adjust every moment which leads to disaster.
12. Many people now a day enter the marriage with a mindset of going legally if it doesn’t works .It is not easy the way we think. When we chase a person we also need to run and get tired of chasing. And a moment comes when we stop chasing, the situation reverses. Moreover when we marry someone, the emotional bond is built which can’t be erased. I met a few couple married for the 2nd time, even though they paint a near perfect picture it is not the case. One reason for this is they can’t come out openly as they do in first marriage, for being stigmatized. When we claim that we hate a particular person, in tern we love that person. For some reason when we fail to get the attention and love from that person, we claim to hate, which is not the fact.
The other important aspect, the care of kids in a broken marriage. It is children’s right to have and get love from both the parents. Don’t use children’s to settle your disaccord with each other. The best gift any parent can give their kid is by being happy and together in front of them.
The days are not very far we may have to sign a premarital agreement before marriage outlining how to dissolve a marriage amicably as practiced in some western countries, because for many marriage is a business now a day.
13. The other main culprit in collapsing of the marriages is lack of space. Possessiveness is good when it is within limits or else the very same thing is going to bring down the relationship. Respect each others freedom being in the company. Enjoy closeness being apart at times.
Develop the habit of doing evening walks together, may be sometimes with kids. Plan at least two distant outings in a year. Be creative and make every day playful with new thoughts and ideas.
14. Finally and very importantly, a few of the marriages are falling due to fatal attraction of the world outside. So shield your family against such happenings. What we want from others if we can find it in our partner we may avoid many marriages being collapsing. That is why the communication (pre-marital & post marriage) plays a very important role in marriage. Initially itself if we take enough care, we may avoid falling into wrong hands. Avoid marrying to partner’s salary, social status, money, property etc and marry someone whom you are attracted to. Prepare each other through an open communication so that your points of attraction toward each other are afresh always. It is not necessary that we need to communicate verbally always. Person’s body language reveals many things. Identify those. Body language never lies!!
Marital relation (so all other relations too) is like a plant. It needs nourishment to grow. As it grows older and older it needs more and more nourishment (like a growing tree needs more and more water and fertilizer to yield more). What we do is quite opposite and let the relation die a natural death. When a marriage collapses somewhere, learn from it and shield and protect yourself from the reasons being happening in your family. And more importantly when in slightest doubt about anything postpone the marriage till you are completely satisfied. If family members are not supportive seek professional help.
Marriage is one of the beautiful institutions built on the foundation of trust and love. Don’t breach it from very first moment(In this space age also many lie or exaggerate things to strike a relationship!!) .In spite of all these modern days’ troubles / distractions in the marriages, in spite of a few failures somewhere; it remains like that forever and only pretence of hating may go on. Because love is eternal and don’t have an end. It is Gods idea to continue his work of creation through a beautiful institution called marriage.
It is not only the understanding of the institution of the marriage but to make it successful we need to deal with maturity and little sacrifice.
Vincent D'sa is currently based in Dubai / Muscat. Studied Masters in Psychology and a master practitioner of neuro linguistic programming (NLP) and a counselor.