|By Ivan Menezes, Valencia/Muscat [ Published Date: August 20, 2014 ]|
It’s humans who are the more dangerous animals. If you look at the statistics, one black bear out of a million kills somebody. With grizzly bears it’s one in 50,000. Among humans, it is one person out of 18,000 kills somebody. So you could see why I would feel a lot less comfortable in the city than in the woods next to a bear - U.S. wildlife biologist Lynn Rogers
I’m not making this up. I was taking a morning stroll outside my house. As I strode past a coconut tree, I jumped in horror. There I saw a hideous creature piddling. May be a vampire doing daytime overtime. I thought. Perhaps it drank the daily minimum requirement of four liters of blood and now ruthlessly aiming at my coconut tree. Daytime is ideal to venture out because the mosquitoes and bed bugs rule the nights chasing the vampires away.
I shrank away in terror. The moment the strange creature saw me, it stopped its naughty act and said. “Peace be unto you!”
“What peace?” I bellowed. “You frightened me to death.”
Face to face with the creature now, I studied its features. It was a green-skinned 4-foot humanoid with a pear-sized head. It had red flashy eyes and a small mouth. Nose was missing as if chopped off.
“Do not be afraid my universal brother!” the creature reassured me. “I’m not of this world. Nor am I a killer. Peace is my mantra.”
“An alien standing in my house property?” I was gobsmacked. The green man spoke fluent English proving it indeed a universal language. I thought: Would my coconut tree die or the coconut water taste like champagne?
“Neither!” the alien demonstrated its thought-picking power.
“Oh my God, you can read my mind.”
“Isn’t it proof enough that I am not a vampire, but an extraterrestrial?” the alien asked. “I belong to the Piafgoo galaxy living in a world called Bunbuzu, where there is no pain, suffering, diseases, hunger, war and killings.”
Stumped, I asked. “What are you then doing in this world where there is pain, suffering, diseases, hunger, war and killings in greater amounts? Are you on a cosmic gallivanting?”
“No. I have been sent by my world to change your world – to earn everlasting peace for you earthlings.”
“Yippee!” I whooped. I readily believed the green man since green is a healing colour which means that the individual has the healing gift to heal the world. Nothing makes me happier than someone trying to change the world. Everlasting peace is splendid. Durable peace is romantic. True peace is sexy. “Yes, we do need an outsider, somebody truly out of this world like your good self because ‘everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself’. Our own Leo Tolstoy said so. Welcome aboard the amazing yet mystic world of ours,” I rattled.
“Thank you, Earthman for your mighty hospitality,” the alien said, heartwarmingly. “My name is Bozo. And I will call you Austin.”
“That’s my name.” I nodded joyfully, stretching my right hand, which remained lonesome in the air having not been taken by him for a handshake. Instead, he bowed graciously, saving me the trouble of washing hands with Dettol in order to be 100 per cent sure.
“Come experience the magic of this world,” I invited. “Let’s get inside my house.” I turned and ambled away with Bozo marching beside me with lolloping gait. “Be happy and contended here. After all, the best destinations are really not closer than you think.” Bozo said nothing, but remained awe-inspired of the surroundings.
“By the way, where have you parked your flying saucer?” I asked.
Bozo pointed out to the sky. “Up there, I hung it in the air and made it invisible.”
“Smart you! You saved it from the thieves dismantling and selling the parts to the scrap dealers.”
At the entrance, Bozo stopped and scanned the door plate with dazzling purple rays emitting from his eyes. The plaque reads: “Peace to those who enter into this house.” He was pleased. So was I.
“You have a lovely and clean house,” he said as if his eyeballs were tiny x-ray machines. Meanwhile, my knocks on the door were not answered. As if Bozo was in a hurry to change the world, he passed through the door and opened it for me. Suddenly, my dog Dogma howled. “Get out of our house, you stinky monkey or else I will kill you.”
“Calm down, Dogma,” I commanded him. “He is our friend and partner from another world.”
Dogma fell quiet. Pets always obey me as opposed to the wife. When I offered a seat, Bozo happily jumped onto the sofa and sat like a huge green bell pepper, his legs dangling.
“What would you like to drink?” I offered. “I have scotch whiskey.”
Bozo smiled. “Normally, I do not drink at work, but one peg on the rocks should be alright I feel. It’s cool because I’m 120 light years from home and am not being monitored.”
I placed the bottle on the side table with two glasses. He picked up a glass. “This is no good for me.” He manifested his own glass and poured the whisky, a patella one and dropped ice cubes. He sipped his drink and as he did, the glass became shorter and shorter to the level of the liquid and eventually disappeared when he drained it to the dregs – an automatic disposable glass in true sense. I was amazed as much as my pets.
“One thing puzzles me, Bozo,” I said. “You are in Mangalore with your peace mission instead of operating out of Syria or Nigeria - rhyme perfectly well though - with all their crimes against humanity.”
“You want me to get killed, eh?” Bozo retorted. “From the sky, I saw a cluster of churches down here like the twinkling stars and thought this would be an ideal and peaceful land to make it as my workplace.”
“Oh, yes, very peaceful, except sporadic rapes, murders, Valentine Day policing, home-stay attacks, abductions, wife beatings and much more.”
And then my wife Jennifer stalked into the living room. The moment she saw the unexpected guest, she crowed with joy. “Wow! Short, Green and Handsome! A superhero, so sweet,” she tweeted. Bozo sat mesmerized by Jennifer’s sheer beauty.
I introduced Bozo to her. “Your superhero Bozo is on Earth to perform a stellar role of a peacekeeper, trying to earn everlasting peace for earthlings.”
Peace meant nothing to Jennifer, who asked Bozo. “Do you aliens marry in your world?”
Her question made me rage inside. I bawled. “Don’t ask him pigheaded, kitty party-type of questions like ‘Does your husband cut your toenails?’ Bozo is a super genius, unlike humans who use only 10 percent of the brain – and you horse use only 2.5 percent. Fire your brain cells before you shoot.”
Bozo yawned. Did my joke bomb or it was due to his interstellar travel fatigue? I was clueless.
“Sir,” Dogma threw his leg up. “May I ask him an intelligent question?” I nodded my approval.
“Do you people throw completely chewed up and dried up mutton bones at your dogs?”
“Shut up, Dogma. Don’t spill the beans to an outsider tainting our home reputation.”
“Sorry sir!” Dogma said, glancing at my cat Mewfur.
“What would you like to eat?” I asked Bozo. “You must be starving.”
Bozo made no reply. Instead, he salivated and swiveled his head towards the money plant where the rat had appeared. “Oh, that horrible creature is not comestible.” I clarified.
“Hi Uncle!” the rat greeted me melodiously. “Glad to see an environmentally friendly green guest. Turn your house more greener by throwing Mewfur to him as his sumptuous lunch.”
Bam! Mewfur screamed blue murder. “I’ll kill you, Ratbag,” she chased after the rat and both disappeared inside the house. Dogma sneered. “Rats have icky IQ. Only the Chinese eat cat meat.”
I turned to Jennifer. “Cook some pork chili, you big bully.”
“You cook, goofball,” she snarled. “I want to be in the glorious presence of the demigod.” Her insult in front of my galactic guest enraged me. “I’ll kill you,” I hollered.
Jennifer roared. “I’ll kill you in turn.”
“Peace be unto to you!” Bozo intervened. And then he got up. “I’m leaving for my world.”
I was shocked. “You’ve barely touched down in this world and are trying to find your feet. Isn’t it too early for raring to go back with your everlasting peace mission unaccomplished?”
“You want me to get killed, eh?” Bozo said. “As soon as I reach my world, I’ll tender resignation from the post citing a reason: Mission Impossible. Your home feuds made me lose what little faith I had on my mission. If so much unrest exists within a small house with umpteen killing threats, how am I going to change this world that is four times the size of my world?”
“I’m sorry that we caused you to quit on the first day of your new job. I’ll miss you sorely.”
“Don’t feel sorry. This can only happen on Earth. Perhaps we will meet again in another place, another time, this life or afterlife. After all, it’s a small universe and the life is too short.”
“Would you like to have one for the road?” I asked, pointing to the whiskey bottle.
“No, thanks! But I wish to dispense an advice to your world: GIVE PEACE A CHANCE and save your planet from total destruction,” he said and vanished into the thin air.
Shortly, a sonic-boom was heard. I rushed to the window and stuck my head out. I saw Bozo’s flying saucer thrusting upward with a sudden savage velocity setting out across the vastness of space.
“Goodbye buddy Bozo!” I whispered serenely, my eyes wet with tears. “Peace be with you throughout your return journey home! There’s no place like home, my universal brother.”