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Apr 22, 2019

Chains of Love?

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By Charmaine Albuquerque, India [ Published Date: October 13, 2010 ]

Let me tell you a story…A professional from my team was away from her seat yesterday for most part of the day.  I reached out to her concerned that she might be feeling unwell and what she then unfolds gets me thinking. 

Her husband and she have had an argument...not uncommon among married couples you would say. But what caught my attention was the reason.  She says - I quote "We claim that we are members of a modern world that believes in equality and justice.  We sign petitions to save the tiger, save the planet, rights for people in Africa, equal opportunities for women in parliament and even animal rights. But what we forget in the bargain is as something as simple as basic human rights- rights that get violated right under our own noses".

Let me get back to the lady concerned.  An attractive women, married and living with her husband, daughter and son. Both husband and wife have highly demanding jobs in high profile companies. Their work schedules, coupled with balancing parental and other responsibilities leaves them with barely any time, forget energy at the end of each day.  The strain seems to be showing on their communications as well - snapping at each other, rather than speaking.  She tells me that besides her children, the only other person she is able to have a decent conversation, is with her friend of yester years. But here is where the story takes a turn. The friend happens to be a guy. I can almost see many a raised eyebrow and a know it all smirk- right?

She says "my husband was very good at math in school - so he decides to put 2 and 2 and make 22 instead of 4".  He now doubts my every move, checking my mobile, my emails and my every whereabouts.  He does not want me to speak, meet or have anything to do with my friend and in the process deprive me of my freedom and sanity. Does he not realize that if I ever wanted to cheat on him and have an affair I would have done so much earlier and would I be a fool to even let him get a whiff of it? He tells me that I lost my identity the day I got married and should not even have the need of a friend. After all was he not her friend?". Not being a trained marriage counselor, my only suggestion to her was to approach one. But this certainly raised a few questions in my mind.

Why is it that a relationship between a man and a women, should always be looked at without trust? Can we not stop viewing very such relationship with suspicision?  If marriage is a partnership why is it that the women have to be the one making all the sacrifices and the man make none?  Does she really need to kill her identity? Hopefully she was even allowed to have one! In a patriarchal country like ours the women would according to me  always be known as someone's daughter, someone's wife  and someone's mother till her dying day - not that it is completely bad. But can someone tell me where the individual that the Almighty brought into this world is?  To me the answer is simple - she died the day she was born!

 

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Gerald Menezes, Canada :
Yes Charmaine,I suppose this can happen when marriages are arranged.But if the couples have had a courtship for a prolonged period of time and they allow each other space and respect each others independence,then it really should not happen.
Also,it must be understood by both that there is no such thing as an equal partnership.Over the course of time,one partner,be it the male or female will always be the dominant partner.I hope this helps.There should be no nagging in a relationship.This comes from a divorcee and widower.
Nicholas Joseph, Malaysia:
I do not reside in India now. But I have lived there previously for 12 years. I do make occasional trips to India and have seen the social fabric change. People in India may not see this obvious change, but visitors do. My friends and relatives who visit India have similar views. India may be patriarchal but I feel it is less so than say, 30-40 years ago. Women seem to enjoy more freedom, even the married ones; their husbands seem to be more open-minded and couples make the club and karaoke circuits. Couples speak and move freely on TV talk and game shows. These scenarios were unheard of many years ago. These are signs of liberalism, society trying to look at the other side of life.
So perhaps you should advise your lady friend to be little more proactive and make a stand with her husband and change his mind set without antagonising him citing changes in society's today-attitudes.
A.S.Mathew, USA :
Jealousy, domineering spirit, selfishness
etc can be revealed in both the husband and wife
right after the marriage. Before the
marriage, we will never notice these hidden
negative human traits in the other person.

Husbands finding faults with the wife in
her dress, cooking, talking with friends and
constantly showering with rotten criticisms;
and that wife will either turn as a totally
fighting wife, or as a person totally lost
her own personality and identity.

On the other hand, a constantly nagging wife,
finding faults with the husband in everything he does, that will create a monster husband or
worthless person out of him.

The magic of mutual appreciation and
hearty compliments will do miracles in life.
If the husband and wife love each other,
and forgive each other any fault they have
made before the Sunset, and talk with a
thankful and respectful way, that life can be
a life of heaven on earth.

In this modern society of high stress career
and fast track running, every family should
have some close friends to interact and share
their personal problems they may have. Above
all, spiritual guidence is very important
to sort out the problems of life, and many of
them may have a silly root cause....like
the curry is hot, and a terrible argument starts. And the rest of the story is enough
to have a movie script.
Balappa, USA :
I am young man 0f 26 plus 50 years of married experience.
The trouble starts when wife and husband start with 50-50 share in work, responsibility and argue for equal rights.

Advise for girls / women: never start this subject. Be a good salesperson. With good technique - praise, no-negativity you can get 75 % of share without your Hubby noticing it.

You will be the Happy family.
Siva, USA :
Good article. But I think you might have only scratched the surface. Deep beneath there could be much more complicated labyrinth. Questions you have raised are most appropriate but completely one-sided. There are similar stories about men too. Once married women many women do not want their husbands to share any moments with his mother and sister. Even a simple mention of the names of other female members of the family, creates a frenzy - that has been my experience - you can only imagine what would happen if the name of a female friend is mentioned.

While I completely understand your point, I am only saying that it is one-sided.
Himanshu, India :
Charmaine, the individualism stand for an individual treads on the path of choices. I believe if you share it a fountain of positive ideas is created otherwise it will simply create ruckus, within you. And this goes for both the genders but how far a married couple thinks on individualism together will not only give confidence to appreciate the idea but the freedom to implement and gain trust. I believe more of sharing & caring and togetherness is needed even if there are snaps at few moments.
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